


Awakening

by thetravelinglemon100



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, I leave that up to the reader to decide, Mass Effect 2, Occasional swear word, Vague Ending, just before the Omega 4 relay, previous Shepard/Kaidan, they're no longer a couple, vague about whether its Garrus Thane or Jacob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-06 22:19:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18860254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetravelinglemon100/pseuds/thetravelinglemon100
Summary: The picture frame hit the desk with a solidclunk. It was surprisingly satisfying, and a hint of a smile curled at the corners of Jayne’s mouth.She couldn't resent Miranda for putting it there - how could she have known? - and refused to resent herself for the being the reason it was there. She'd been naive, maybe even downright stupid, to think she could start a casual relationship with someone she barely knew. No surprise, really, that it had come back to bite her.





	Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> I've never had a high opinion of Kaidan, and it's always baffled me that some people would choose a relationship with him. The way he talks to Shepard isn't how I'd expect someone in love to talk to their lover, and certainly isn't how I'd want anyone to talk to me. I'm currently playing a run through where I romanced him in the first game just for the story, and now I'm in ME2 I've switched to someone else, and this story is borne out of the frustration of that game.  
> The two songs I've quoted summed up quite well what vibe I was going for here and what thoughts might be going through Shepard's head. They're great songs - if you like folk or indie, you should look them up!

_You took me by the reins, you helped manipulate this brain_  
_Until the coldness and the taking nearly made me go insane_  
_And I cannot and I will not be the cost of victory_  
_I’d lift you up if I was strong enough if I didn’t care for me_

__

_Now I see it’s crystal clear  
If I hadn’t seen the light you’d have made me disappear _

__

_You have got to love yourself before you can love anybody else  
You have got to trust yourself before you can trust anybody else _

___Here comes another day, another chance for you to find your way_  
_Take this opportunity, this turning point to prove you can be brave_  
_You have got to love yourself before you can love anybody else_  
_You have got to trust yourself before you can trust anybody else_

From ‘ _Another Day_ ’ by Sound of the Sirens

...

The picture frame hit the desk with a solid _clunk_. It was surprisingly satisfying, and a hint of a smile curled at the corners of Jayne’s mouth.

She couldn't resent Miranda for putting it there - how could she have known? - and refused to resent herself for the being the reason it was there. She'd been naive, maybe even downright stupid, to think she could start a casual relationship with someone she barely knew. No surprise, really, that it had come back to bite her.

Well that was done with now. Time to move on.

She slowly tapped her fingertip on the back of the picture frame, the uneven rhythm the only noise in her cabin.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

She wasn't much of an idealist - had always focused too much on reality - but there was something about the allure of a relationship. The idea of someone who had her back; who she could come home to at the end of the day; someone to help her relax, to take a bit of the weight.

The smile dropped from her face.

Kaidan had seen her, seen past the 'Commander' to Jayne underneath. He'd been enthusiastic whenever she came by, wanting to grow their friendship and help with the mission. He'd challenged her, helped her think outside the box, made sure each mission plan was clear and thorough. More than that, he just wanted to be near her, to share with her.

Or so she'd deluded herself into thinking. 

She'd sat here for hours reviewing old mission reports and recordings and what she now saw before her was a subordinate who always questioned her decisions, who thought he knew better, and who monopolised every conversation. It was as plain as the nose on her face that Kaidan thought the sun shone out of his arse, in spite of his sob story (or was it hero story?) about 'Brain Camp'.

In the end, everything came back to him.

" _Thinking you were dead tore me apart, how could you put me through that?_ "

Those words had hit her like a punch in the gut, at the time. Did he think she'd lied to him, deliberately let him believe she was dead for _what_ , for fun?

It made her angry; angry that he'd only thought of himself, angry that he hadn't cared she'd been clinically dead. Angry that she'd expected anything more. Knowing your relationship wasn't long term was one thing, but finding out that someone never really cared about you in the first place was something else entirely.

She'd always been bad at hiding her anger, but this time she didn't event try to hide it, or to resolve the situation. The conversation ended badly, but not before Kaidan had informed her that she'd turned her back on everything she believed in, had betrayed the Alliance and, obviously most importantly, had betrayed him.

What a manipulative bastard.

Somehow, somewhere along the line, she'd disappeared. Her own thoughts and actions - hell, even her own _death_ \- had turned to dust under the force of what Kaidan wanted. 

Would this have been her life if she hadn't realised? Would she, Jayne Shepard, Commander of the Normandy and Saviour of the Citadel, have disappeared? Would his personality, his need, have bled so thoroughly into her life that she just ceased to exist? Would she have spent her life lifting him up, pandering, placating? 

Jayne huffed out a humourless laugh.

She was too busy holding half the galaxy together to do anything like that. Everyone wanted to take, and she was starting to run out of things to give. Kaidan Alenko would just have to manage by himself, or find someone else.

Which brought her back to the message on the terminal in front of her.

It was thoughtless, downright hurtful in places, and not what she'd needed to see on her terminal when it had arrived weeks back. He was confused and hurting, that much was clear, but he lost her sympathy when he brought everything back round to him. Again.

" _I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again._ "

She looked at the reply she'd begun typing - _Yes of course Kaidan, since you asked so nicely I will refrain from dying not because I want to live, but because my death might upset you_ \- and hit delete. She was an adult; she could be mature about this, even if he couldn't.

She typed out something politely professional, but blunt, telling Kaidan that she had enjoyed working with him and their relationship had meant a lot to her at the time, however they had now moved on from each other professionally and emotionally and that was how things would stay. She ended by wishing him all the best for his future, but couldn’t resist adding that she intended to survive for her own benefit, not for his.

Jayne sat back and reviewed what she’d written. It wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear, but honestly he was lucky to get anything at all – she never replied to her messages, leaving most of that side of things to Kelly. She thought back to his message and hoped she’d said enough to shut down anything he’d hinted at in his last sentence - " _When things have settled down a little... maybe... I don't know_ ". What an idiotic thing to say – had he hoped she’d come running back when he said that?

She shook her head. It didn’t matter now; she was done. Everyone else had had unfinished business before they hit the Omega 4 relay; this was hers, and she was finishing it.

She hit send, and waited for the notification to say that it had been successfully sent before letting out a breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding.

It had been the last thing on her to-do list tonight (and she was mature enough to admit she’d been deliberately procrastinating) and now she could relax and enjoy what was possibly her last night alive. Her last ‘last night alive’ had been disappointing, and she wasn’t about to let this one pass without marking it.

Somewhere on the Normandy, a member of her crew was waiting for an invitation to ping on his omni-tool, and she wasn’t about to keep him waiting any longer.

Jayne reached across the desk to push the picture frame to one side and activated her omni-tool.

...

_Don’t look at me like that_  
_You know I will react_  
_For all the times that you pushed me through that door_  
_For all the signs that I just chose to ignore_  
_Why do you have to be so cruel you know that I_  
_Will tell you now…_

_It’s not ok to make me feel that_  
_I’m afraid this won’t begin_  
_You can’t say the way I’m living_  
_Fits the template of your sin_  
_It’s not your choice, this is my voice_  
_I’m awakening_

_Don’t speak to me that way_  
_I’ve got plenty here to say_  
_To make it clear that it’s not a state of mind_  
_To make it known that I will not compromise_  
_With someone just so unwilling_  
_Don’t tell me what I am_

From ‘ _Awakening_ ’ by Sound of the Sirens


End file.
